I Maeglin

or The Treason And The Void

They say that once a spirit arrives at the palace of Mandos, he finds tranquility and peace. It is a deceit. Restless shadows and wretched creatures never find repose, even in the afterlife of promised stillness. These halls of eternal silence are a prison to me, Maeglin, a discerned soul among those wandering here.

My mind was always like burning coal, my heart one of molten steel, my desires--like a scalding flare that tortured me acutely. I burnt out like a torch...in my own zest for life. I have been unhealthily scorched by this flame for so long and it never ceased. No, I cannot find peace here! I shall ever suffer in despair and remorse. Yes, remorse!

For all, I am the despised traitor of Gondolin, the bitter disappointment of anyone who met me! Maeglin, the fair noble Maeglin, skilful and magnificent...Ha! How empty was it all...they did not suspect my fall had begun. And could it be prevented? And when did it start?

Maybe when I set my eyes on her, Idril Celebrindal. In that instant I desired to be close to her, to have her, to OWN her...I struggled, but not too hard. I despised myself, but not too much. And she was scared of my thoughts and my passion. I hated myself, nay; I desired my own death. And still, her fright pleased me! The flames of my forbidden affection dominated...I had to bend her will with power!

And Tuor! What hilarious irony! She couldn't have hurt me more than choosing this mortal worm, this pawn that would have withered before long! And I had proved to Gondolin I was worthy and he was no better than me! Ever since my own father had restrained me from the world in my childhood, I had felt a desire to receive recognition of my quality. And lo! Tuor outdid me! I loathed him and his son and a poisonous thought obsessed me. Thereafter I thought of nothing but of my wish that realm to fall. Oh, how I wished to smite Tuor!...and revenge Idril! And all was distorted then...

It was only inevitable that the Dark Lord sensed my frailty and called out for me...I do not even recall his tortures, for they were so weak in comparison to the trial of my own burning feelings. It was so easy to betray, it was so sweet to succumb! I did not realize that the most frightening only followed. Since the only person who could have stopped me then, my beloved mother, had died, I felt relieved and free and lonely...

I will never forget Idril's stare on the day of Gondolin's destruction. That stare was my true death. Tuor's sword killed me not---it was Idril's eyes. All I wanted was to hurt. And kill myself with this pain I gave her.

I still exist, though. And the shadows of Gondolin's victims I see are the worst imaginable punishment. The Hall of Mandos are no bliss, it is eternal horror! And my only hope is the day that She will come. Oh, yes, she will...